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Category Archives for Self Help

Why me

Why does this happen to me

Our brains are capable of finding answers for any questions we ask. All the inventions and all the discoveries of this world are the brain's answer to our questions. Let us see if we can get an answer for "why does this happen to me", a question which almost everyone of us have asked ourselves at some point of life.

Our brains are like Google search engine

Most of the times, the search engine provides perfect answers to our questions right after we click on search and other times, we need to keep looking at different pages or try asking a different question to find the right answers. Sometime we don't get answers at all, all we will be provided is with it irrelevant answers.

Our brains are like Google search engine. Ask a question and your brain will try to answer with all its capabilities. Keep asking a different question till you get the right answer, just like how you do with a search engine. Just like google, it will sometimes give irrelevant answers - but the blame is on us.

Who is to be blamed

Because our brain is like Google search engine, its job is just to answer questions. It will not see if it is a right question or a wrong question. Its job is just to find answers to the question.

If you ask questions like "Why does this happen to me", you brain will try to answer by referring to all the bad experiences you might have had in life. But is that the answer you are looking for? 

Even worse, for the questions like "Why do people hurt me", "Why do people leave me", "Why no one loves me" brain will come up with crazy answers, but guess what, it will only leave you more hurt.

How do i get answers that help

Answer is simple, by asking right questions. We are trained to ask wrong questions, often times than not, these sort of 'why' questions will go on and endless loop and the answers will only lead us to a lonely path.

Start asking right questions, instead of asking "Why do people hurt me" ask the question "How do i make sure not to feel hurt when people say this or that". Instead of asking "Why does this happen to me" ask "How do i make sure this doesn't happen to me". 

Instead of asking, "Why am i becoming fat" ask questions like "How do i become thin and still enjoy the process"

Train your brain to ask right questions. It is easy to ask negative questions and get deadly answers. But in order to succeed in life and be happy, ask right questions, ask questions which will improve your situation. Never again ask a question to get answers to your bad situation, ask questions to improve the situation.

If an answer doesn't work, keep search your brain's search engine with different questions and you will get the right answer, which could change your life forever.

So, are you still looking for the answer? and what is your question now?

Summary

  • Brain is like google search engine, it will always have an answer, doesn't matter if it is right or wrong.
  • Asking lousy questions will lead to lousy answers from your brain.
  • Asking empowering questions will lead to empowering answers from your brain.
  • Train yourself to ask right questions. Never ask a lousy question again, turn it to an empowering question which will improve your situation.
power of why

Key to achieve goals

Setting goals is just half the battle won, achieving the goal is the important part of the process. Most people set goals at least once a year in the name of New year resolution, but many fail to succeed. We demystify the reasons causing the failure in achieving the goals and things you can do to overcome it.

If you need support in setting goals, read this article.

Avoid the trap of familiarity

You might have set goals many times in your life and read many articles about goal setting. Do not let this demotivate you. Do not fall for the trap of familiarity. Even if you had done it thousand times, the next time you set your goals will be different. Mastering simple things again and again is the key to huge success. What do you thing sportsmen do? they practice their basics over and over again.

If you have decided to read further, continue with an open mind. A cup already full cannot be filled with more. 

Importance of your "Why's"

When you set goals, what you are actually doing is, creating your future in advance. Everyone can set goals, but in order to succeed, you will also have to write a plan to achieve those goals.

When setting your goals, you should be able to answer yourself, WHY you need to achieve this goal, you should know the purpose of the goal you are setting. Purpose is important than outcome. Without knowing why you are doing it, you wont be able to achieve your goals. Reasons come first, answer comes later. Every success has an answer for "WHY".

So, sit back, relax and write down why you want to achieve this goal, don't just write, feel it, live the moment and feel how it would be when you achieve your goal.

When you set goals with a strong "WHY", you are acknowledging that you do not want to be in your current situation. This will create a sense of dissatisfaction which is the key to real power.

Getting your "Why's"

Once you are ready with your goal, ask yourself why do you need this. This is to create a pressure on yourself to achieve your goals, pressure is how diamonds are created.

While you think of "Why's" link it to all aspects of your life, why is it important for your health, wealth, personal life etc. Create strong enough "Why's". Another method is that you focus on the pain of not achieving your goals and in the pleasure of achieving your goals, don't just think, feel the emotional state of achieving your goals.

Re-evaluate and change your goals if you need to. But, review your important goals daily and less important/long term goals monthly/weekly. 

Action item

  • Pick 2 areas of life you are currently dissatisfied about.
  • Write goals to overcome those 2 areas of life.
  • Feel the pain of not achieving it and feel the pleasure of achieving it.
  • Create strong enough "Why's" behind your goals, remember, purpose is important than outcome.
  • Review, re-evaluate your goals monthly/weekly/daily depending on its importance to you.
pain and pleasure

Using pain and pleasure for motivation

All your decisions in life are influenced by Pain and Pleasure. Either you do something to avoid the pain or you do something to achieve the pleasure. In fact, pain is a great motivator and most people don't succeed in life till they have so much pain.

What makes you take action?

If you are a lady reading this, answer me : Do you have your makeup on? why do you apply make up each day? is it because you enjoy the processes of applying make up every morning? Not always, isn't it?

You probably will have to answers to this question:

1. Makes you feel more attractive - why are taking this action, to gain PLEASURE. Or you say "people think i am more attractive" again, to gain pleasure.

2. You hate it, but still do it because someone might say "what happen to your face" or "why do you look like a zombie" - you take this action, to avoid PAIN.

some might do it for a combination of both the reasons but the point is you do it either to gain pleasure or to avoid the pain.

Why do we procrastinate?

Our mind does all it can to avoid having the pain. If you associate something to pain, your mind will bring out all the ways to avoid that pain.

Let us say that you want to reduce weight:

If you feel that you cannot eat tasty foods, you cannot eat anytime you want, you cannot eat sweets.... what you are subconsciously doing is, associating these pains with the process of reducing weight.

As i said, our brain will do whatever it takes to avoid pain, so no matter how much efforts you put in, you cannot lose weight with the above mindset.

Rather what you should do is, associate the process of reducing weight to pleasure. Think of how good it will feel if you are looking slim, how good it will feel to have energy all the time, how good it will feel to eat healthy always.. without a doubt this approach will ease the process.

You might argue that being fat is painful, why doesn't the mind do something to avoid it. The answer is, while you eat chocolate or your favorite food, the please of eating it take precedence over the pain of being fat.

In short, we procrastinate because we associate things to pain.

How to use pain and pleasure the right way?

You have an important thing to do which will bring you pleasure in your life, but you still procrastinate (delay it for some other day), why? Why would someone do this. You do this to avoid the immediate pain involved in acting on your goals. You avoid the pain the of dedicating time to the task in hand. 

You will have to link pain and pleasure to get your tasks done. Link not taking action with more pain than procrastinating. Eg. think of not controlling your food habit as more painful because your action might lead to irreversible changes.

If you are doing an important task, think what will be the pain of not doing the task. control your focus.

A small task to you if you are really interested in changing your life:

List down 2 actions which you need to take to improve your life.

For each action, list at least 4 reason to each questions below:

  • What pain kept you away from doing this
  • What pleasure did you gain by not doing this
  • What will be the pain if you continue to not act on this
  • What will be the pleasure if you act on this

Example

Action i need to take: Exercise to reduce weight

What pain kept you away from doing this : Can't eat tasty food, need to go gym, dedicate time for exercise, fear of failure.

What pleasure did you gain by not doing this : Able to eat tasty/junk foods, got more time to relax, loved being lazy, did not worry about schedule.

What will be the pain if you continue to not act on this : I might become overweight, look ugly, no energy to play with kids, feeling low always, scary old age.

What will be the pleasure if you act on this : Look slim and handsome, feel confident, eat healthy, feel energetic etc.

Now do this for every action you would like to take in the life. Associate pain and pleasure intelligently. Associate more pain to 'not doing a thing' than doing it.

Feel free to ask questions in the comments section, i will be happy to help you!

Summary

  • You do a thing do gain pleasure or to avoid pain.
  • Your brain will do everything it can to avoid the pain.
  • We procrastinate because we associate things to pain
  • Associate more pain with not doing the action required.
  • List 2 actions and think of at least 4 answers for each of the 4 questions
Goals

Goal setting for 2019

Goal Setting for 2019? well, this guide will help you set goals the right way so that you can set goals for 2019 and beyond, in fact, you can use this guide to set goals for almost every aspect of you life.

(You might also be interested in : Key to achieve goals)

Why should you set goals

Everyone in this world wants to be successful. But, being successful means different things to different people. My goal is to help you set a goal and without that clear goal in my mind, i wont be reaching a conclusion to this article. If i achieve it, i am successful. The point i am trying to make is setting a goal you will never know if you are successful.

Take example of an aircraft. The goal of the aircraft it to reach its destination. Without a goal, the pilot and the passenger wont reach anywhere. The main goal of the pilot is to make sure that the aircraft is guided and operated correctly to reach its goal. The pilot keeps track of things to see if it is flying the right direction, if not, he sets it right.

Similarly, you need to have goals in our life and keep a check on our progress just like the pilot. You might not always succeed, guess what, quitting is not an option, you keep trying different things till you succeed in achieving your goals.

How to set a goals and achieve it

Be Specific

You should know the outcome of whatever you are doing before starting it. It will help you tremendously. You are going to meet your friend, what is the expected outcome of it? You want to have fun or to make him feel special or you just want to hangout and relax. Guess what, set an outcome before meeting your friend and focus on the outcome, you will end up having a very good time.

When you set a goal, you should be very specific about the expected outcome. Let us say that you want to make more money. Your goal should not be "i want to make so much money" or " i want to make enough money to enjoy life". Rather, your goal should say " i would like to make $1,000,000". 

But that's not it, it is just half job done. You will now have to set a target date to achieve your goal. This will create a sense of emergency and you will act on it automatically. So, two parts to the goals: Being specific and setting a target.

TIP: If your goal is too big, break it down into pieces. Example, if you want to become a graphics designer, your goal should be broken down to learning individual software with its own target get, eg. Adobe Photoshop, Illustrator etc.. Then under Adobe Photoshop, you will need to have certain goals, eg. mastering pen tool, master layers etc.

Burning desire

You have set a goal, but we all have set goals before and failed miserably at achieving it, there is no shying away from this fact. The top most reason people fail is, either they don't have goals or they don't act on their goals.

Having a burning desire to achieve your goal is the key part towards your success. You should be thinking of your goal throughout the day, obsessed with its thoughts. By doing so, your subconscious mind will start giving you ideas, suggestion and the energy to work towards achieving your goal. As soon you get some ideas, act on it. TAKE ACTION immediately. Without actions, goals don't mean anything. 

It will be like, watching fitness videos and not exercising. You wont get results without acting upon the ideas.

Don't fear, face it

Success comes to those who are success conscious and failure comes to those who are failure conscious. Agree or not, people fail due to focusing on the possibilities to fail. Condition your mind to think of the possibilities to succeed. It is not easy and it is a continuous process. Guard your thoughts and do not allow negativity to enter your mind.

You will not always succeed. Guess what, you need to try another approach, if you fail, try another approach and you should continue trying different approach till you succeed. All the successful people have failed miserably before being successful, the failures they faced were essential part of their success.

Don't fear failure, face it.

Acting upon an idea, you will have 2 possible outcomes, either you succeed or you fail. But if you don't act you will definitely FAIL. 

Now, before moving on to something else, take a notebook and write what is your goal and set a target date. Kindle the fire in you, have the burning desire to achieve your goal and when faced with failure, don't fear it, face it.

Summary

  • Without goal, you are lost. Example of Pilot, aircraft and passengers.
  • Being specific: What do you need and by when do you intend to achieve it.
  • Think of your goal all the time and when you get an idea, act immediately.
  • Failure brings seeds of success, don't fear it, face it.
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